Not always bright shiny stars.

Well, it happened, my first bout of true loneliness. I have been emotionally thriving in beautiful Turkmenistan, but today November 18th I am feeling the pains of loneliness. I wrote two letters – one to each set of grandparents. I realized that they would probably be receiving them around Christmas which of course began my thoughts toward one of my favorite times of the year. And even though it is over a month away I am missing my family like today is Christmas. Training has been incredibly easy as I am constantly surrounded by fellow Americans but the thought of Christmas has been constantly in the back of my mind. This holiday that, for me, is so focused on family. I have never experienced Christmas without my parents and sister. This will be the first time that happens and I am dreading the day like a plague or more accurately like passing a worm (which I’m also fairly sure will happen sometime in the next two years). Even though I am constantly experiencing new things and am always excited about my language acquisition and each new experience I am not invincible and quite prone to sadness.
It is a month later, Christmas Eve day to be precise and I have had several of these loneliness bouts and at first was very hesitant to share them with everyone reading my blog for several reasons. 1. I didn’t want to burden all of you with my very personal concerns. 2. I knew loneliness would be a part of my life here and will continue to be over the next several years. 3. I am by no means alone with this feeling. 4. It comes and goes and at worst makes me cry. I decided to share the above note and what I’ve written below because it is a part of my experience and for those of you looking to have this experience through me need to know that this is part of my reality. I also feel it is important when a person is feeling out of sorts to share those feelings and by writing them down I am in a way sharing them.
Today is Christmas Eve Day and, as anyone who knows me can attest, my favorite time of year is winter. This includes the ‘holiday’ season which in my opinion starts November 1st and ends January 15th or sometime after that. Some of the most important parts of this season are; being around my family and friends, sipping hot cocoa indoors after sledding, skiing, building a snowman, ice skating, or just walking out in the snow with my puppy. Every winter season I am overwhelmed with love to share with everyone I see, meet, and come into contact with. While I can and do share that love here in Turkmenistan, there is something significant missing. I’ve read the Christmas story several times, I’ve been listening to Christmas carols since the day after Thanksgiving, I’ve even purchased/made a Christmas present to exchange at the Lebap Christmas party on Sunday. And still there is something missing. No one here understands what Christmas is, nor have they grown up with me waking up early every Christmas (or during my teenage years being woken up), going Christmas shopping with my sister, they don’t know the look I get on my face every time it snows or how much I love decorating for Christmas, they don’t know that I mandate mistletoe in my home/apartment/dorm, etc. They aren’t my family and I’ve only known them for the past few weeks therefore they are not yet good friends. It is very hard to be alone during a time of year that I associate unconditionally with family.
I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful winter season and that you fully savor and enjoy each of the small traditions you and your family have created. I know this evening I will be missing the pizza my family makes every year on Christmas Eve and I’ll miss singing Silent Night in church with all of the hundreds of candles burning everywhere around me.